For those of you not from Philly, let me explain what these pretzels were like: They were not hard snack bowl pretzels. They were not New York corner Super-Pretzels. And there were NOT slathered in butter. They looked like this:
They were perfect. (Oh my god just posting this photo is making me crave them.)
These pretzels were ubiquitous throughout Philly. School was only one place to get them. You could buy them in brown bags outside of sports arenas (RIP Veterans Stadium and the Spectrum) and you could get them off a cart anywhere on the city streets. You could even get them at a Wawa. And why I'm using the past tense, I don't know. They are still there.....(except at Veterans Stadium and the Spectrum). And they are mother's milk to me.
But they are not anywhere else. We moved out West when I was in high school and the Philly pretzel became a rare treat, either brought on the plane by family members coming to visit us, or chowed down on a daily basis during our annual visits back to the City of Brotherly Love.
So I learned to like the decidedly-NOT-Philly-pretzels offered out here. Super-Pretzels are acceptable, if not perfect, alternatives. When I moved to Los Angeles, I discovered Wetzel's Pretzels and in my graduate school fervor, I would double park just to pick up a cinnamon-and-sugar-covered large pretzel. However, I would order these without butter, and they would usually have to make mine to order, since butter-slathering seems to be the thing for mall pretzels out here.
I tried Auntie Anne's, not asking for non-butter. I hated them. Even more slathered in butter than Wetzel's. WHAT IS THIS FRESH HELL? I practically fainted when I landed at the Philadelphia International Airport 10 years ago and saw an Auntie Anne's in the baggage claim. Et tu, hometown?
(Side story: Philly was our pit-stop both ways for a trip to Europe; our stopover on the way back was through Münich and when I saw pretzels hanging from hooks in a bar, I ran over and asked "Eine pretzel, bitte?" They guy responded to me completely in German, at which point I had to admit those were the only words I knew in his language. That pretzel was awesome, by the way.)
Fast forward to the holiday season of 2017. My whole family is visiting for my big birthday and we are in Palm Springs. What to do in Palm Springs? Hit the outlet malls. The Spazz and I join the Golden Child and his wife to do some post-Christmas shopping and, as we pull in to the parking lot, a conversation much like this ensued:
GC: Oh, I love Auntie Anne's. I think we'll have to get some of those.
Me: Ew, I won't even DO Auntie Anne's. They're disgusting. Too much butter.
GC: Wait, you eat Wetzel's Pretzels!
Me: Yes, but they have less butter. And most of the time, I request no butter and that makes them tastier.
GC: There is no difference. I don't understand why you eat one and not the other.
Me: There IS a difference and Auntie Anne's is gross.
(This actually goes on for quite some time because, as you will see if you stick with this story, neither the Golden Child nor I can let things go easily, especially when we are challenging only each other.)
So we split up and go shopping. When we are near the meeting time, I grab some coffee while the Spazz runs out to get a snack. He comes back with a bag of Auntie Anne's and, before I can say anything, the Spazz informs me that he requested "no butter" and they were special-made for us.
So we ate them and they were good. Not great. Not Philly pretzel, but adequate and curbed the shopping hunger we built up. Enter the Golden Child and his wife. The look on the Golden Child's face would have been hilarious if it wasn't so accusatory.
GC: I can't believe you're fucking eating Auntie Anne's!
Me & Spazz, in unison: THESE HAVE NO BUTTER!
Fast forward a couple of days later. The feud has been continuing all the way into the next portion of the family trip and now we have just finished a family portrait at a mall in Arizona and it turns out that this mall has BOTH a Wetzel's and an Auntie Anne's. Since the argument is so well-known among the entire family, I agree to a taste test between the two brands, a la the Pepsi Challenge (in which I chose Coke).
Various family members run to each vendor and buy a bag of the pretzel nuggets from each. Not doctored, not specially-made without butter, just the regular bags from each.
I am blindfolded with a slightly oversized hat (and I squinch my eyes shut......I want this to be completely fair).
I taste each sample....twice.
And I choose........
Auntie Anne's.
I am mortified. The Golden Child is vindicated. I have to admit defeat.
And then my mother says what we all know in our hearts: "They're still not Philly pretzels."
