Giant Dwarf vs. The Telephone

The phone rings.

I avoid it.

It continues to ring.

Like the kind of arts geek I am, I have programmed my landline to ring Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so now I'm humming "Ode to Joy" as I look at the Caller ID.

(Caller ID is the best invention since sliced bread. I resisted it for years until I had a scare from a potential stalker, and then signed up immediately. I have not regretted that decision since.)

I LOVE the idea that I can screen who is calling me and pick and choose my conversations.

That being said, I still hate talking on the phone.

Unless I'm in the car.

I just can't connect with people over the phone. Now, if it's long distance and I hardly talk to the person ever, I can waive my phone-aphobia and have a conversation, if only to catch up. But, if you call me every night (and this means you, A), I cannot be a witty conversationalist. I'm just not capable of it.

When I tell a story, I need one of two things: A live, present audience or a computer screen. The latter includes texting, another technology I resisted until only a year and a half ago and then It. Changed. My. Life.

When I'm on the phone, especially at home, I've got other things to do. The dishes need washing, the bills need paying, the cat needs petting. The TV needs watching and the email needs reading. I don't have time to talk on the phone, and, if I do need to talk on the phone, I will be distracted.

At work, if I'm on hold for a long time or I'm having a long conversation, I play Solitaire. Really. It calms me down and I'm able to concentrate on the conversation and not be rude to the caller. For some reason, I don't have Solitaire at home. (I must remember this when I replace my computer; if there's no Solitaire in the bundle, that will be a deal-breaker.) So I suppose it makes sense that it's easier for me to talk on the phone while I'm driving; I'm doing two things at once (of course I wear a Bluetooth....I'm no scofflaw!) and I'm sufficiently distracted from the conversation to actively participate in it.

So, if you call me at home and I seem insensitive or rude or distracted, or all three, know that it's not you. It's me. And I'll just have to end this call and email or text you so we can set up a time to hang out.