Giant Dwarf vs. The Baby Bump

What follows is an I.M. conversation (slighly edited) that I had last night with my very old and dear friend, B.A., who, from here on out will be known as B.A. Baracus in honor of the great Mr. T. (Baracus for short.)

WARNING: If you have children and DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, skip this one. You'll hate me forever after you read this. If you do read it, know that it was a conversation all in good fun by two childless-by-choice women.

Also, I don't know how to get rid of the urls. Sorry.

Baracus:

oh for crissakes

this is such a baby obsessed culture

when did this happen?

GD:

tell me about it

are you kidding me?

It's been happening

where have you been?

I would love, though, for people to stop reproducing at such an alarming rate

Baracus:

in my 20's, no one was talking about / caring about babies in the same way

now it's like = some expensive purse everyone MUST have

GD:

you know, I think you're right....my 20s too

I had ONE friend in my 20s who had a kid

and now she's a lesbian and the kid's a teenager

Baracus:

there weren't the celebrity baby bump things

GD:

you're right...it's that celebrity thing

Baracus:

I always thought it looked miserable, being a mom.

GD:

it is...first you gain a ton of weight, then the baby sits on some part of your body to cause irreversible damage, then you give birth and have to get an episiostomy (which still makes me sick just thinking about it)

and then the thing cries all the time and you don't sleep more than 2 hours at a time

(which, by the way, is the ultimate dealbreaker for me)

Baracus:

me too

GD:

then it eats only soft food and you can't feed it honey

then it cries incessantly

(oh I already said that)

Baracus:

and it poos

and poos

GD:

and it POOS

and then it throws it's food

and then it starts to walk and wreaks havoc

and then it climbs and eats all your anti-depressants

right and then it becomes a teenager and you wonder why you didn't just eat it when it was born

then you send it to college and when it graduates, it moves back in with you thereby wrecking what was left of your sex life, which was probably already ruined when you couldn't lose all the extra baby weight and you spent so much time with the kid and not your husband that your husband stepped out, so to speak, and you haven't trusted him since

(it was at this point that the conversation stopped and Baracus encouraged me to post it...blame her)