Giant Dwarf vs. The Paper Monster

(First of all, a big hug and thank you to Miss K for being my first fan/subscriber, a decision which I'm sure she'll come to regret in only a few days, but a decision which boosted my ego and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.)

So here's how it's going today:

Hello Kitty is a pussycat compared to this challenge. Day 2 of Operation Apartment Purge had no schedule. I knew it was going to be paper-purge and, last night, I slept accordingly. That would be in fits and starts, and with truly weird dreams.

Paper is my nemesis. If I piled all the paper products in my apartment (not including books), I truly believe the pile would be taller than I am. Possibly twice as tall. Going through my paper detritus is an arduous and necessary experience, and it sucks the life out of me, mostly because, as I do it, I have to wonder where I placed my mind while I collected all of these pieces of useless information.

Magazines. As of this moment, I subscribe to the following: BUST and Consumer Reports. I keep these, because I think BUST was a revolutionary 'zine when it first started (and when I picked up my first copy) back in 1993 and because Consumer Reports is also revolutionary mainly for the reasons that they are unbiased and take no advertising revenue. Also, Consumer Reports is actually a useful reference. My mom buys me a yearly subscription to Lilith, and I used to get the Harvard Women's Health Watch. Through various memberships, I get Westways Magazine and Contemporary Sexuality. Keeping up? Wait, it gets better.

I like Los Angeles Magazine, and often think of subscribing, but seeing the list above has convinced me to back off. And, several months ago, I signed up for 2 weeks of unlimited yoga at YogaWorks and then suddenly I began receiving Yoga Journal. Now, really, why? I don't practice often enough to gain any benefit from this magazine, which is clearly targeted to people who not only practice yoga often, but who also have a lot of money. Although, I have to admit that I've been tempted by the multiple ads for the Shakti Mat.....who doesn't want to sleep on a pretty, bright orange bed of nails?

Then, there are the magazines I pick up when I'm feeling particularly low blood sugar. Like, when I was shopping for a wedding gift at the Container Store (like I even need to set foot in that place) and was seduced at the check-out counter by Real Simple. Which is exactly what it is: real simple reading. Unfortunately, I fall victim to this magazine, dog-earring pages I want to come back to, convinced that I need various recipes and appliances.

(Again, those of you who know me may stop laughing now. I do cook every now and then. About once a year or so, so I need recipes for when I am inspired.)

As I went through the magazine, I seriously had to question my sanity in regards to what I had considered important enough to dog-ear: home office tips? Really? I'm currently sitting on the couch, racing against time with my computer battery and listening to heavy metal music. This is my home office. Not some ergonomically correct extra room (which I don't have) with a perfect filing system. If I had that, I seriously doubt I would be battling the Paper Monster (I know what you're thinking, Miss K, but I do believe that I would be a more organized person if I had an extra room).

So I have to go through all these magazines before throwing them in the recycling bin to make sure I'm not tossing anything IMPORTANT. This takes time and kills valuable brain cells.

Oh, it gets worse. Then I found a conference swag bag full of......professional continuing education notes, powerpoint printouts, and vendor information. From last year. More precisely, some were from almost two years ago. Clearly, the education I received at these conferences was really important to my daily professional life. While no one who knows me is likely surprised by this, I do have a rather humorous kicker to this story: not only did I find my Certificate of Completion for one of these conferences, I found my colleague's Certificate as well. We went to the conference in February of this year. Obviously, she got about as much out of it as I did.

Just for shits and giggles, here is what else I found in the conference swag bag: a printout of Hammurabi's Code of Laws (I am not kidding), an article on presidential candidate military service from the September 2004 Vanity Fair (likely stolen from work), a short play by Tony Kushner (from the March 2003 issue of The Nation), some lunatic's 54-page treatise on "The Hidden Side of Psychiatry," and an article on various medical creeds and oaths throughout history (published in 1997, but I'm fairly positive that I haven't had it since then).

Oh, and a teddy bear.